reflections from a wizard of inner light

"then came those years i which i was forced to recognize the existence of a drive within me that had to make itself small and hide from the world of light. the slowly awakening sense of my own sexuality overcame me, as it does every person, like an enemy and terrorist, as something forbidden, tempting and sinful.

what my curiosity sought, what dreams, lust and fear created- the great secret of puberty- did not fit at all into my sheltered childhood. i behaved like everyone else. i led the double life of a child who is no longer a child. my conscious self lived within the familiar and sanctioned world, it denied the new world that dawned within me.

side by side with this i lived in a world of dreams, drives, and desires of a chthonic nature, across with my conscious self desperately built fragile bridges, for the childhood world within me was falling apart.

like most parents, mine were no help with the new problems of puberty, to which no reference was ever made. all they did was take endless trouble in supporting my hopeless attempts to deny reality and to continue dwelling in a childhood world that was becoming more and more unreal.

i have no idea whether parents can be of help, and i do not blame mine. it was my own affair to come to terms with myself and to find my own way, and like most well-brought-up children, i managed it badly"
-hermann hesse demian (40-1)

hey guy

capilano, bc

funny kids off school, bc

salt spring island (lurking owl), bc

good morning sophie

creeping critters! (vol. 3)

all aboard

peace:

" peace. there is no peace in this country.
we are absolutely opposed to a bunch of cowboys in a D-9 cat
running hi-diddle-diddle over the hill playing texas chainsaw massacre
with our trees.

peace: freedom from conditions which annoy the mind.
it annoys our minds to sleep under the dome of imperialist lust
which is constantly looking for newer and more effective means
of attacking our homelands, clawing and digging at them,
extracting the insides, covering our graves with roadways, golf grounds,
housing projects, or what-have- you.

peaceful struggle is all about expanding great, strenuous effort to live free from strife, free from war, free from conditions which annoy the mind. it annoys our minds to think, to feel, that we are less than sovereign people to our homelands. and it annoys a good many canadians now too."

et tu, brute?

i forgot

i was supposed to get ripped in 4 weeks instead of 6

wizdom removal

this one time when i was a kid, a kid told me this:

" i knew a kid once who got his wisdom teeth removed,
and his mind became completely blurred, got to his brain.
he turned stupid, lost his wisdom."

according to the logic, half of my wisdom will be stripped away tomorrow - all for the confirmations of science and a straight set-a-teeth.

halloween - moments that turn back hours
a. 2008 - fractured rib-bone
b. 2009 - squirrely face

spider season

"

i wanted to let mountains, oceans, and green islands speak to you
convincingly with their enticing tongues, and wanted to compel you
to see the immeasurably varied and exuberant life blossoming and
overflowing outside your houses and city every day

"

i wanted you feel ashamed of knowing more about foreign wars,
gossip, literature, and art than of the springs bursting forth outside your towns, than
of the rivers flowing under the bridges, than of the forests and marvelous meadows through
which your railroads speed
...................... should discover even greater joy in it .....................

"

i wanted, i wished, i hoped: i know it sounds off, but i am still waiting for the day when all this wanting will resolve itself in a form and a plan.

"

hermann hesse's peter camenzind

call me, i'm single

and we could meet up for coffee, or something less cliche

a boy named sue

self proclaimed prole

sailin' on

-transferred to the mermaid's lagoon daycare at starbucks headquarters
-got shut down by the cops in portland at mikrofest
-ate pizza, drank dr. shasta
-grocery outlet vision 24/7

as if the heart were not enough

equal in size to 78 football fields

pup

.not returning to vancouver this fall
.helmet ticket
.stoked on books and monkey island (the pc game)
.standardized independent living
.chef-ing

no idea

of what anything is anymore, especially this thing they call 'fun' -
a flailing sentimental robe reaching out like claws making you think
it's expected when it's gone.

i saw 25 enforcement vehicles circling 3 blocks- one apprehended up
the hill, one running alongside the grocery store, one cutting through
our alleyway trying to blend into the unsuspecting civil obedience.
pitch dark ... like a one-way hole, irrevocable actions without an effective predetermination of balance.

heatwave

still

roaming/romaining some shady corners,
(re)exploring ones capacities to cope with the most
undesired implications of a dependent status;
crying when they're laughing - straining when they're releasing
= indispensable garbage

i tied my arms to be free

shut the door so i can leave
shut the door.